I Know What You Did Last Summer - A PHOTO!

Ok, if you are reading this first, you are reading it backwards, which is funnier than if it had worked the way I actually planned for this to work. This is actually the second section created, but at least the "before" picture appears before the "after" picture. It's not actually the same section of the house, but it illustrates the problem.

Hey!!! I finally got a photo to post. This is the most recent photo-- which probably sounds stupid since this is the first one I've posted. This is the most-finished product to date. Notice the nice straight line along the bottom. (Also notice the extreme foliage I have to work in and around without destroying. No, that is not easy. Yes, I have destroyed some of it.)

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/13/11

I have some church work to do tonight, so I probably won't get much done. I did grill dinner. I did start breaking up a section of what I accomplished Saturday (6/11/11.) When I pulled my form off the bottom, it stuck to that silicon caulk and broke the bottom edge. So, the silicon ends up being a complete waste (and more expensive than the other caulk) and it wasted part of what I had finished. Whatever...

I also tried to post some pictures in here, but the function button up there to do that opens a new window and that window has a "connection problem" and has no refresh button. Of course, Windows offers to "diagnose the problem" but actually does nothing whatsoever useful-- which is exactly what I expect from them. So, I downloaded Google Chrome to see if they were any better. Here's what they said:

502. That’s an error.

The server encountered a temporary error and could not complete your request.

Please try again in 30 seconds. That’s all we know.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/12/11

I didn't do much today because it was rainy. Actually, it rained very little, but I never knew when it would start or stop, so I didn't bother starting anything. I did, however, move the treadmill back to the basement. I had moved it to the main floor during the flood threat. It is no easy task. For reasons that only vaguely make any sense, both the doors into the house have another door adjacent to it. So, moving anything large into the house is mostly stupid-annoying. Beyond that, the back door is at the top of the basement stairs. So, I had to wiggle out the back doors, close one, then come back in and down the stairs. On the other hand, I mostly told you all that so it would sound like I accomplished more than I did. But, it's done, none-the-less.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/11/11

Saturday! I worked (as in, at my real job) in the morning again. After that I mowed the lawn. Then I dragged my feet getting started on the south side. Eventually I decided that I was just going to have to work in the bright sun and that's all there is to it. After I started I almost quit. It takes so much longer and so much more mix to complete a section that is so much taller and longer than any other specific section. At first, I thought I was going to run out of mix. But, I didn't. Just that 13.5"x192" section probably took a whole bag, though. Well, really, that is a bag of cement and a bag of mortar, so two bags, or whatever. On the other hand, while those two bags weigh 120lbs together and are obnoxious to handle to the point of actually sticking the crap on the wall, they are only about $5 each, so this is still a pretty cheap application. The mesh seems expensive at $15 each sheet, but the sheet is 27.5"x8ft, so I cut it in half, which makes that whole wall only cost about $20 not including my labor (which is priceless, of course). My begrudging goal of the day was to get that whole section mixed, applied, striped and brushed before the end of the day. It took 7 hours, but I did it. Really, unless I wanted to deal with trying to make a "dry seam" (which is applying new/wet mix next to dried/cured mix) I had no choice but to do it all in one session. I think it will turn out much better than anything I've done on this project so far. In a way, that sucks because I'll probably have to redo the east wall, which I am not looking forward to. But, the whole point is to make the house as good as "possible" so... Technically, I also prepped some of the other rough spots in the south wall, too. Eventually, I ended up having to wait for stuff to cure, such as before striping it and before brushing it. So, I applied that time to some of the other beat-up places that I am not going to completely re-do. I used a "siliconized acrylic" caulk that was 1) paintable and 2) water clean-up. I gooped it into place "generously" then used a paint brush, which I dipped in water, to shape it to the area. It's the same idea, just a different material and smaller scale. I doubted that idea, too, at first because the first caulk I bought was 100% silicon, but I realized later to be not-paintable-- and those cost $7 each. I was able to use those in another area (i.e. some gaps that are now under the stucco)and the right stuff only costs $2-$3 per tube. Really, though, I am sick of prepping. I want to paint and move on.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/10/11

Friday night was rainy, so I took guilty pleasure in doing a whole lot of nothin'. I watched a movie. If you're curious, it was "I Am Number Four" which I'll call just call a sci-fi film. I told my wife it was a Sci-fi/Action film, but it doesn't have that much action, and it does have an extensive love story. It may not be fair to call it extensive, because many movies have more extensive stories, it's just that if you are expecting a lot more action, the love story seems extensive. It wasn't a bad film. It was a intriguing. The action that was there was satisfying, and the science fiction was not so fictionalized as to be implausible. Other than that, well, it was pretty derivative. And by that I mean it follows familiar story lines. You could almost say it was predictable, but not a bad as some films. It does leave the opportunity for sequels wide open, and since movie companies just love sequels of successful brands, they could very easily make some really bad sequels out of this. Aren't you glad I wrote this review for you? 'Cause otherwise this entry would have lasted two short sentences.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/9/11

I started in with the do-over project. Really, the south side of the house was the first and worst of the project, so I likely would have done that over anyway. All I had time to do today was prep the thing. So, first I measured up my skill saw to know where to mount the guide so that after I cut it, I would have half an inch of old siding left (below the section above it.) Originally, I thought I should cut lower, so that the edge of the saw never has to touch the upper section, but I decided I wanted to cut more away than that. Then, I screwed 2x4's at the line, set my blade depth, and cut off the siding. After removing the old, I mounted the forms as before, then cut and set the mesh for the whole 13.5"x192" project.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 06/08/11

Technically, I didn't do anything. I had a hair appointment after work. Since yesterday I got that part of the house to the best it is going to be before painting, I asked my wife for her opinion. It's not good enough. The transition from the old to the new is too obvious, mostly because it is obviously not entirely flat like siding is... when it's manufactured... by machines. So, the next step is to redo the south side, but this time I will try cutting away the old as close to the overlapping section of siding above as I can. Then, the transition will me masked by the seam that is and will always be there. To avoid damaging that section too, I will have to affix a straight line of lumber to the repair section. That should bear all the weight of the saw and give me a straight enough line to dare getting as close as possible. It also means I will need much more mesh and much more mix material, and more time, of course. That's the plan, anyway. The contingency plan is to get a quote for altogether new siding.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/7/11

Today I took the forms off the east wall and primed the repaired section. That makes the whole wall the same color, roughly. So, it is as good as it is going to look until I paint the whole house.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/6/11

After work I took off the forms and then used one to finish that side of the house. Well, really not finished, but you know what I mean. That's as much as I could do on any given evening after work, and more than I could have done last night. I also quick-washed the car, so hopefully it will rain.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/5/11

6/5/11 – The roller didn’t work because the stucco stuck to it and gummed it up. On the other hand, I am getting much faster and better with the level and the nail. Also, it gives me something to do while I’m waiting for the stucco to cure. I tweaked my techniques a little, too. It is VERY important to push hard when applying the stucco. I may not have clarified that. Use lots of pressure, otherwise it falls off too easily. I am not smart enough to use a drop-cloth or anything to catch it if it does. On the same note, the reinforcement gridding needs to be tight/snug to the wall. If it flexes, so will the stucco when you apply it-- and then it falls off. Or at the very least, it will bulge and mess up the flatness desired. I waited longer before etching in my lines, which helped prevent them from being too deep, but got a bit too difficult towards the end. But, with it more cured, I was able to use an old paint brush to knock off the excess grit which looks much better. I also used a wire brush on last night's stuff to lessen the line between the old and new surfaces. It did not work on anything older than that, so timing is important.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/4/11

6/4/11 – Saturday! I had to work this morning, but that is almost irrelevant because I probably would have just slept in anyway. After work, I picked up some more supplies and then mowed the lawn. Then I worked on the stucco project the rest of the day in the bright sunshine and heat. I really need a better method for making the vertical stripes. I spent some time with a system of nails in a board while waiting for a section to cure, but that didn’t work. I ended up dragging a nail along the edge of a level—one line at a time. Way too painstaking. After a long day, in the shower, I got a better idea for a roller I might be able to make. Also, I struggled with getting my mix the right consistency.

Either that is the problem, or I am just not getting the mesh in the right place to hold it correctly.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/3/11

6/3/11 – Today was the first real test of the system. I mixed some up and stuck in to the wall. There was a learning curve. Here’s what I learned: First, the smaller the area, the better. But, really the only reason I had the large area in the first place was part of a learning curve about how the stuff comes off the wall, too. The biggest reason for keeping the area small is that the stucco wants to slide and bulge (which is a bit obvious) so the less, the better it behaves. Along the same line, the consistency of the mix is important. Too much water may smooth out nicely, but it doesn’t stay put as well, either. Another lesson was technique. Plop a scoop on the trowel, start low and really press it up and into place, allowing the existing siding to scrape off the remainder. After a decent surface amount is in place, use an up-to-the- right motion (I am right-handed.) The trowel surface is nice for making a flat surface between the old and new bottom edge, but a vertical motion makes the best looking surface. So, I use both. Since the old siding has vertical lines indented in it, I have to mimic that. I used the side of an old plastic ruler. The flatter the finished stucco, the easier that is, but I used the straightness of the ruler and drag the bottom corner of it in and am satisfied with the result. I’ll get better with experience. If it all holds together, this just might work.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/2/11

6/2/11 – Mostly stucco project today. The crappy asbestos siding we currently have is brittle and chunks have fallen away around the bottom edge—which looks terrible. So, I’m attempting to repair that with a stucco application before I paint. I have a fair amount of planning to figure out to make it work. Today, I made a section of 2x4 that I plan to use create the bottom edge. I had to rip it in half, then cut out a notch 1/2” x 1” that the stucco reinforcement sits on and also creates a drip edge, if it works. I did all that with a skill saw. I almost can’t believe it worked. I screwed it on, then cut and placed the reinforcement. After I get done applying it and it sets, I have to be able to unscrew it and reuse it. That’s the plan.

I also sprayed my Bayer Season Long Weed control. The bottle was supposed to spray 5000 sq ft. It’s a bottle that attaches directly to a hose. After spraying only a small part of the back yard, I shut off the hose to move and the bottle was already empty. That could be a disaster. At the very least it is a waste of money.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 6/1/11

6/1/11 – Planted the tomatoes, including the cans at the base and the cages… and the trench that will bring runoff water to them each time it rains. I also planted another row of corn and weeded some. I did some stuff for what I’ll call the stucco project.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/31/11

5/31/11 – Dentist appointment cut the night short. I cut a section of the siding away to try and make a mold that I could reuse and press into the stucco mix to make it look like the existing siding—which has straight vertical stripes and an orange-peel texture. It didn’t work. It stuck to the siding in an un-removable way.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/30/11

5/30/11 – Went to Fargo. We picked up the paint for the house. Had to pay bills at the church when we got back. I also picked up supplies to make my mold.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/29/11

5/29/11 I used some of my 2x4s in the basement. The area under the steps no longer has walls, just framing because that is how she wants it. So, I made a walk-in door there, now. Before it was solid from about knee-high and below. I also put a couple studs in the west wall of what used to be my home office. Now it’s the only reasonably dry storage in the basement. It is also our tornado shelter. So, I feel better now that the wall is more normal. The other place I used the studs was on the wall that previously stopped for the water heater. But, now that it is moved, I extended the wall. I also mowed the lawn.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/28/11

5/28/11 – Rainy day. We watched some movies and just sat around.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/27/11

5/27/11 After work I picked up some stuff for future projects. I got some 2x4s, some mortar cement, and some stucco mesh. It was pouring rain, so all I really did was get that stuff home.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/26/11

5/26/11 – Garden stuff before the expected rain (all weekend – Memorial Day weekend, that is. Boooooo.) Planted the weekly row of corn, weeded the whole thing and dug under the fence to 1) draw a definitive line with the grass that it shall not cross and 2) bury the fence to keep it in place and critters out. Today is also “city clean-up” day for us. All this week when the city picks up trash, they will also pick up anything else we leave at the curb with no volume limitations like every other week. This year, the only extra we have is one of those canvas, portable lawn chairs that are everywhere and come with a handy carrying pouch. It’s busted, but someone will probably scavenge it anyway. Other years, though, we have taken full advantage and unloaded a lot of crap, including the demo from renovation projects around the house. Some people rent dumpsters for that or make trips to the landfill. We have not.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/25/11

5/25/11 – Had to run some errands after work. Then, history demanded that I watch the Oprah Finale. Later is the American Idol Finale. So, I wasted much of my initiative. I was surprised by my lovely bride. She decided she wanted to scrape the translucent application off one of the windows downstairs. So, I managed to squeeze in something, afterall. Although, after I showed her a much better tool for the job than a fingernail, she took over quite enthusiastically. I tried to squeeze in with another tool, but she really didn’t like having me in her way. Eventually, I went outside and washed the window, and then the inside, but really, I ended up watching her do it.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/24/11

5/24/11 – Mowed the lawn, moved the bluebells again. Patsy thinks they will hide the Hostas. Evidently, she doesn’t see them (the Hostas) becoming the 3-foot bushes that made all the dividing necessary. Then I dropped everything to attend Tennis awards. Destiny won “most improved” for the second straight year. She continues to surprise the coaches with her growth. Yay!

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/23/11

5/23/11 – Moved Mary’s ferns. Our neighbor had ferns growing on the northish side of her garage that she wanted to toss or move. So, I put the bigger few on the north side of our house where they could fit well, and the rest on the north side of our lilacs. They may get swallowed up back there, or they may fight and thrive. Either is fine with me. I just couldn’t throw them all in the compost pile. I weedwhacked the edges to prepare for mowing tomorrow.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/22/11

5/22/11 – Sprayed weeds, again. Won’t be the last time, by far. Even if I can get my hands on the Season Long Weed Control I need, I’ll have to spray that on. I still have to control them between now and then, too. Patsy wanted to divide the Hostas and put some above the retaining wall. I decided I wanted to change the grassline back there to make it easier to mow without destroying the Hostas. Then I moved the Bluebells that have been idling in the middle of the raspberries until they could (1) get healthy enough to be moved again and (2) find a better home. So, I put them in the new area, which is “in front of” the hostas.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/21/11

5/21/11 – Acquired the new doohickey and got the other computer working correctly. Yay! To celebrate, I wasted a bunch of time on Facebook and YouTube… and Netflix. The boss came home with replacement tiles for the kitchen floor, so I replaced those. In the middle of that project, I realized I needed something that was buried underneath another project in the basement (an expansion of the cement project from before, making that “island” more square-shaped and higher on one end.

I Know What You Did Last Summer 5/20/11

5/20/11 - Hooked up the new WiFi. But, it is so wireless that it cannot be hooked up to the desktop without additional equipment… and I don’t have that right now.

I Know What You Did Last Summer... Begins

Around these parts, the summer sun sets pretty late. The longest day of the year has daylight until 11pm (although technically, the sun has set before then. There’s just something about those long evenings and all that sunshine that brings out the productive in me. It also helps that the warm weather is what makes all the fun projects possible. If you can’t pour cement and dry paint, the options are really limited. I really enjoy home improvement projects. The reason is simple: the finished product. Stepping back and admiring the “after” after living for so long with the “before” is immensely satisfying… especially knowing “I did that.” I can usually remember the big projects, but I’ll do a slew of little unexpected projects, too. So, this is my journal of all of them—and inevitably why some of them did not get done.
5/19/11  That’s the finished date for a project that started in the middle of this spring’s flood. We had water in the basement from the high water table—at least that is where I point the finger. The last time we had that problem was the last time we had that kind of flood, which was 2 years ago. I thought we had that problem fixed with the sump pump and some tiling I put in then. I was wrong. So, this year I installed some strategic cement to raise specific areas down there. That doesn’t prevent the problem, but if it happens again, the water will pool in specific places that drain into the sump-pump holes where it will get eliminated before damaging anything important. So, the biggest part of all of that is that I moved the water heater to a more logical location and it is now a few inches higher than any water barring a much bigger catastrophe. Some day (translation: many thousands of dollars required) we’ll need to lift the house and build a new foundation. We’ll solve more and bigger problems in that process.

Pompous Circumstances

Pompous circumstances is the answer to the question, "Why is the keynote speaker still talking?" Since it is graduation season, many a ceremony shall be playing Pomp and Circumstance. While real lyrics do exist (that I've never heard anyone sing, and even fewer know) I have decided to write my own. May they fill your head the next time you hear the familiar tune... over... and over... and over.




This is the version that my daughter and I have been singing since she was old enough to do so:


My Reindeer flies sideways

Your Reindeer flies up-side-down

My Reindeer flies sideways

Your Reindeer is dead.

(Repeat)




I secretly admire the non-conformists who push against the boundaries of the establishment presenting the diplomas:


Dingle-berried flat cap

Unisexual gown

That's why I am naked

Between my chest and my knees.




Don't forget why they call it commencement:


Today you are grad-u-a-ting

Now it's time to get-a-job

There may be no "real world"

But, now you pay your own bills.




The real lyrics:


Land of hope and glory

Mother of the free,

How shall we extol thee,

Who are born of thee.

Wider still and wider

Shall thy bounds be set,

God who made thee mighty

Make thee mightier yet



God who made thee mighty

Make thee mightier yet

Complete and Entirely Without Any Bridge

I’ve been in a time-warp lately. Mentally, I’m stuck some place around those amoebic years I refer to as “College.” I’m a little fuzzy on how I got to this point, but I think it goes something like this: I was attempting to recommend a book to someone. I remember the book as having quirky humor, most of which resonated in the form of obscure catch-phrases and abstract ideas not unlike the works of Monty Python but without the wide and deserving fan base.

So I started re-reading that book that I first read in college. All this time, I have been wondering, “Why?” My roommate back then recommended it for me. He thought I would enjoy it. In retrospect, that may have been a subtle insult. I tried to explain it to a co-worker.

“That looks like a big, old, book.”
“Not really. It’s several books in a leather-bound compellation of…um...4 or 5 books. It’s ironically referred to as a trilogy.”
“Is that why it says, ‘Complete and Unabridged’?”
“Uh… sure!”
“It looks funny. Is it funny?”
“It is if you don’t mind over-thinking things.”
“Oh. Nevermind.”

And that’s when I remembered why I was recommended to read it (which is really what happened.) I tend to over-think things. Some might say it’s my defining characteristic. It is also why I ended up with a minor in Philosophy. I’m still trying to work-out how to make that into anything other than a complete waste of money. The best I’ve got: “I bundled it.”

The author (Douglas Adams) describes the “book” (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy) as “science-fiction humor.” That sounds more like a genre than a description, but it is technically correct. What is entirely correct is that his “humor” borrows from multiple branches on intellect, including, but not limited to, theoretical physics, actual physics, philosophy, mathematics, cosmology, and generally a bunch of stuff I really have no accurate labels for including those I just listed. But all that is just to lend plausibility to the plot—which is about some stuff that happens to some characters and how they react to that stuff. For real fun, he sprinkles in chunks of flare, like… cocktails… and grammar. Maybe I should give an example:

The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast interstellar distances in a mere nothingth of a second, without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace… The principle of generating small amounts of finite improbability by simply hooking logic circuits to an atomic vector plotter suspended in a strong Browian Motion producer (say a nice hot cup of tea) were of course well understood—and such generators were often used to break the ice at parties by making all the molecules in the hostess’s undergarments leap simultaneously one foot to the left, in accordance with the Theory of Indeterminacy. Many respectable physicists said that they weren’t going to stand for this, partly because it was a debasement of science, but mostly because they didn’t get invited to those sorts of parties…

The whole book doesn’t read like that, just interjectory explanation-stuff. But wait, there’s more! Like dialogue! And poetry! And drinking games! And poetry about drinking games!

Two contestants would sit either side of a table, with a glass in front of each of them. Between them would be placed a bottle of Janx Spirit (as immortalized in that ancient Orion mining song: “Oh, don’t give me no more of that Old Janx Spirit/No, don’t give me no more of that Old Janx Spirit/For my head will fly, my tongue will lie, my eyes will fry and I may die/Won’t you pour me one more of that Old Janx Spirit.”)

And, so, a bit on grammar is perfectly logical.

One of the major problems encountered in time travel is quite simply one of grammar, and the main work to consult in this matter is Dr. Dan Streetmentioneer’s Time Traveler’s Handbook of 1001 Tense Formations. It will tell you, for instance, how to describe something that was about to happen to you in the past before you avoided it by time-jumping forward two days in order to avoid it. The event will be described differently according to whether you are talking about it from the standpoint of your own natural time, from the time in the further future, or a time in the further past. Most readers get as far as the Future Semiconditionally Modified Subinverted Plagal Past Subjunctive Intentional before giving up; and in fact, in later editions of the book all the pages beyond this point have been left blank to save on printing costs. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy skips lightly over this tangle of academic abstraction, pausing only to note that the term “Future Perfect” has been abandoned since it was discovered not to be.

But, my favorite at the moment is this one:

The Bistromathic Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing vast interstellar distances without all that dangerous mucking about with Improbability Factors. Bistromathics itself is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an absolute but depended on the observer’s movement in space, and that time was not an absolute but depended on the observer’s movement in time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend on the observer’s movement in restaurants. The first non-absolute number is the number of people for whom the table is reserved. This will vary during the course of the first three telephone calls to the restaurant, and then bear no apparent relation to the number of people who actually turn up, or to the number of people who subsequently join them after the show/game/party/gig, or to the number of people who leave when they see who else has turned up. The second non-absolute number is the given time of arrival, which is now known to be one of those most bizarre of mathematical concepts: a recipriversexcluson—a number whose existence can only be defined as being anything other than itself. In other words, the given time of arrival is the one moment of time at which it is impossible that any member of the party will arrive. The third and most mysterious piece of nonabsoluteness of all lies in the relationship between the number of items on the check, the cost of each item, the number of people at the table and what they are prepared to pay for. (The number of people who have actually brought money is only a subphenomemon in this field.) Numbers written on restaurant checks within the confines of the restaurant do not follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces of paper in any other parts of the Universe. On a waiter’s check pad, reality and unreality collide on such a fundamental level that each becomes the other and anything is possible, within certain parameters. Which parameters is, of course, impossible to say.

And over the course of it all, the reader discovers alternate explanations for the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. The answer is 42. In learning that, you are also given an explanation of why the earth was created in the first place. All of which is not to undervalue the subtle mis-interpretation people chronically express about our true relationship with dolphins and mice.

I’m still arguing with myself whether I should even finish it. I probably will. For some reason, I need the distraction. Don’t ask me why. It will only confuse you.

Gainfully Unemployed

Being unemployed is not all bad. It turns out my world is better suited to the unemployed. It’s no wonder (any more) why being a working stiff was so darn stressful.

The first thing I noticed was the morning routine. I’ve been getting out of bed every morning for years with decreasing levels of success. Naturally, I thought, I’d have the aches and pains, the lethargy, and the undeniable conclusion that time speeds up with R.E.M. And I was slightly surprised by the memory lapses, the slurred speech, and the overwhelming despair… Just me? Sorry. I attributed most of that to aging. Now, I realize the problem has been the job all along. With unemployment, I have no good reason to get out of bed and, therefore, no reason to get to bed in the first place. Yet, I can’t wait to get to sleep as soon as socially acceptable and stay asleep as long as physiologically possible. (That time is pre-determined by the bladder, FYI.) First, I don’t spend money when I’m sleeping. Also, my metabolism slows to something just shy of a hibernating chipmunk, so silencing the siren song of any and all food in the house is an unexpected bliss. Sure, the aches, pains, snaps, crackles, and pops are still there, but since I’m in no rush, it doesn’t matter how slowly I ooze around the house.

That sense of non-urgency is the big revelation of my condition. I’ve heard so much about our rush-rush pace of life these days, that I was surprised how ill-suited the world is to accommodate it. I can’t afford gas, so I’ve been walking more. I live in a small town, so it is actually more practical than I used to believe. Sure, I used to be able to hop in the car, run to the hardware store, and get back home in the span of a long commercial break (depending more on the speed of the clerk than anything else.) So, the fact that I would only be a few blocks along the way in that same time is no big deal. I’ve got more time than money. I can walk any speed I want. No one else is walking to complain that I’m too slow or get in my way, either. Actually, I envy my friends from bigger cities. They don’t walk everywhere, but they walk to the subway or the bus stop, or even the parking ramp. I feel very self-conscious walking around town by myself. People turn and stare at pedestrians, here. I’m sure they are thinking, “That guy must be too poor to buy a car. Maybe he’s homeless.” They’re only partially correct, so I try to ignore their ignorance.

I used to get annoyed when I used a public restroom that only had those air hand-dryer things. I prefer paper towels. But, they don’t bother me that much now since I actually have 5 to 10 minutes to stand there doing nothing except rubbing my empty palms together.

All of this improves my carbon footprint, which is nice. I’m a little nicer, too. So what if the lines at the supermarket stretch back to the milk section? I’ve got time. Someone cut in front of me? Oh well, they probably actually have stuff they have to do before bedtime. Not me.

I even impressed my wife. “Want me to do that?” Yes. Yes she does. No, actually, it is no problem. Life is a whole lot of nothing these days. I may even get ridiculous. I could bake a pie from scratch. I could even do all the mixing with a fork and a limber wrist. Sure, it would take longer. So? I could track down an old washboard and take 15 minutes for every article of clothing in the pile. That could eat up most of my week. My lawn looks fabulous, of course. But, I could use one of those old push-blades. Heck, I could use scissors!

Yesterday, I drove my wife, daughter, and her friend around while they shopped. I sat in the car. Normally, this would drive me insane. Instead, I just sat there like a carpool-lane mannequin. I realized that all the insanity was premised on having other things to do, line-items to check, checklists to conquer, objectives to master, and goals to achieve. Cell-phones pioneered our pursuit to empowered productivity. The world-wide-web wafts wirelessly to limber laptops.

I’m just checking out Facebook statuses.

I used to scratch my head at the thought of celebrities hiring people to Tweet for them. That makes sense, now. I mean, those people are ultra-employed. They’re busy. More importantly, they are getting paid insane amounts of money for… whatever it is they do. For them, the world is moving too slowly, aiming too low, under-producing, even dressing too comfortably. In short, it’s disappointing.

Me? What I could really use is an appointment.

The More I Know

NBC had a series of Public Service Announcements titled, “The More You Know.” That’s it. Those four words do not a complete sentence make. It leaves off a crucial part, in fact. If I give them the benefit of the doubt, I’d say they intended to state something like, “The more you know the better off you are.” Or, if knowledge is power, the more you know the more empowered you become. For me, the more I know the more aggravated I become. Curmudgeon? Absolutely! Thanks for noticing.

All this I realized recently. I used to write rants like this quite frequently—at least once a month for a small, small newspaper. But, that was in college. In college, I was learning new stuff every day. The ranting possibilities were endless!

The more I learn about politics the farther away from it I want to be. The more I learn about successful businesses, the more disgusted I get. I have a 4 year degree in business. Then I quit going to school.

Those who study “Business” eventually end up studying “business models.” If the business was successful, then you’ll study why and how it was successful as a model for other businesses intent on success. Even an unsuccessful business has lessons to teach on what to avoid. All of that makes sense until you understand business success.

Microsoft is a successful business. Microsoft makes the Windows operating system that runs almost all the computers in the world. I hate Windows. But, before I get into that, I need to acknowledge that I have friends who work for Microsoft and I do not want to see any of them unemployed. They all work for divisions of the company that have nothing to do with the development of the operating system itself. As far as I know, they are good people. Actually, I’m pretty sure their product is very good. But, I have never had to use that product.

I am practically forced to use the operating system, though. It locks up for no apparent reason. It gets slower with each day that I own my computer. It allows in so much malicious and unwanted garbage that I have to pay another company extra to protect it. The more I know about it, the worse it gets.

This is what happened today: The commercials for this product advertise that it will allow me to stream live TV to my computer and even allow my computer to work as a DVR. Cool! But, it doesn’t just do that (of course not, silly!) So, I went to set that up. The information in doing so, says that I need to install a “TV Tuner” and right around the area where that information was provided is a link that suggests is there to go and get this necessary thing. But, clicking on the link takes one to a place that says, [great news, it’s included with your product] and another link to [go to it]. Ooooh, the building excitement is almost overwhelming.

Drumroll please…

Which loops you right back to the previous link. Worthless. Now, I have no doubt that my computer can be set up to do this amazing thing. However, I WILL NEED TO KNOW MORE TO DO IT. AND THE MORE I KNOW…

And that was only one of today’s issues. I’m composing this using another product of the company. It froze up for several minutes in the middle. No explanation. When it came back, (again, without explanation) the cursor was in a different place than where I left it, so it typed over and erased what was there. Clearly, that is the way it was designed to work because clearly customers such as me would WANT that.

But, (and it’s one big, smelly but) this company is one of the ultimate business models to date. Why? Does it dominate its market share? Yes… crushingly so. Is it profitable? Yes… astronomically. Then nothing else matters… yet.

The only hope is a dramatic change in one of those two factors. Technically, another hope lies in some altruistic initiative of the company to make an exceptional product complete with raving, fanatical, satisfied customers. Let me know when you’re done laughing.

History does not work in the customer’s favor on this one. And that is what makes it such a fiendish business model. This is one of the world’s most successful companies; yet, that status was achieved without ever having to focus on customer satisfaction. It throws so much of all the other things taught in business school right into the garbage. Schools teach that competition is so fierce and natural that no business should be able to succeed with unhappy customers. Dissatisfaction should create a void. Competitors should be able to step into that void and starve off the offender. How do you create a successful business? Find a need and fill it!

Oh, that is so old-school.

At least, that is what this business model teaches. This business, it turns out, took another approach: make yourself necessary and no one can avoid contributing to your profitability. And if a competitor tries to step forward, kill them quickly, and get good lawyers—really good lawyers. Not even the courts were able to impede this monopoly. Such are the lessons which business schools and their students can’t ignore.

I don’t see any of them lamenting it, either—quite the opposite. After all, making good products that actually work requires investments in research and development. It’s much more fun to funnel that money into “investments” in your own wallet.

If there is a company that is worse… I mean “more successful,” it’s AIG. Make yourself necessary? Check. In fact, they took it to a grand new level: They invented the phrase “too big to fail.” Not only will market forces fall impotent to their profitability, but the very government that allows it to operate and regulates it will be forced to 1) prevent its bankruptcy with huge cash infusions paid for by tax payers (which just happen to double as customers that already contributed to profits in the traditional sense) and 2) watch powerlessly as those funds are siphoned off in bonuses to some of the people that caused the problem—even if they are no longer employees.

Genius!—if by genius you mean “profitable” and “dominant.”

And, you should know, it does.