Horndog

Horndog

I have a friend named Mark. Mark has a dog named Gus. Gus is a big ‘ol huntin’ dog. He’s probably 200 pounds. Yes, the dog weighs 200 pounds. Mark is probably 15 bucks shy of that, but that is another story.

The thing about Gus is that he is horny. Now, we have terms like horndog for a reason. Dogs, as a species, are generally a horny bunch. We have all experienced a dog humping our leg, right? We use the label “dog” to describe promiscuous men. It’s not like I am making this up.

But Gus is exceptionally horny. He is always humping something. Anything. Gus has been know to hump a rubber ball left in the backyard. Gus used to hump the lawn ornaments. He ruined several. Think about that for a minute! He wore them out! My personal favorite: Gus humped the fence post on a regular basis.

In a way, I’d really like to know why. Professionals spend all kinds of time-- after spending all kinds of money on elaborate educations and degrees—analyzing that kind of behavior in people. The answers are entertaining if nothing else. Sometimes it is about a childhood trauma or some other reason for arrested development. There are theories about power. Some of it gets attributed to emotional need, but some is more external. Is it any different for dogs? Is it true or fair to conclude that animals are less complex and so are their motivations? My opinion is a juvenile addiction to the physiological satisfaction of it all—for both. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have food to eat and stuff to clean before I call Mom again today.

Gus is a pretty good hunting dog, though. By that, I mean he gets the job done that we use dogs to do. He can sniff out prey, scare it up, and go retrieve it. In the process, we also want them to pay attention and obey basic commands. Gus is not so hot at that. If dogs can have A.D.D. Gus has it. If he has to work too long or too hard to be successful he starts to fade. The worse it gets, the worse he gets. If left un-checked he will wander off in search of a mate—or anything close enough. That is just too long of a list for Gus.

One time Mark and Gus went hunting with a small group of guys. They were after turkeys, I think. What is known is that they were in a wooded area and relatively close to each other and the dogs. The brush got pretty thick at one point and that slowed everyone down. Joe was one of the guys. Joe was making his way down a bit of a slope and had to get over and through some fallen trees. Gus was hanging in his general area. That’s when Joe slipped. Poor Joe fell to his knees, then forward catching himself with his hands. Well, that was all the window Gus needed. He was on ol’ Joe before anyone knew it. Big Gus had his front paws around him like a bear hug, and was pounding away with his full weight and strength with his trademark wild abandon! Joe was stuck! He was already in a compromised position, and the brush and all prevented any leverage, but mostly Gus just had him where he wanted him. All Joe could do was plead, “Call him off! Call him off!” This, of course, was useless because there was no way Mark could blow a whistle while laughing his fool head off! Not that Gus would have listened anyway.

All that yellin’ just made sure that everyone got a good look and laugh at the sight… and a story to tell they’ll never forget.