Bigfoot

Bigfoot

If you see a Bigfoot, shoot it! And not with a camera, either. Haul out your AK47 (the one you got as an expression of your 2nd amendment rights) and just unload it. All of these Bigfoot “sightings” without ever finding a body or a skeleton is way too suspicious. Don’t get too hung up on the AK47 thing. Personally, I’m trying to get my hands on a Patriot Missile launcher (just for personal use.) So far, all I’ve gotten is a van permanently parked outside my house and a Crown Victoria that follows me everywhere I go. Not that any of that should concern someone who happens to read my manifesto… I mean “blog.”

What happens to all the Bigfoot bodies? Maybe they are like elephants, who dispose of their bones when they discover them. Or maybe they are necro-canibalistic! If they routinely eat their dead, that would explain everything. They probably really appreciate a good meal like that. Sounds like way too much work to hunt and gather enough food for a body that size without leaving traces and tracks about where and how it is done, not too mention all the other wild animals competing for the same grub.

Then again, maybe Bigfoot does not die like other animals. Essentially, they are a mythical beast considering how little evidence we have of them compared with how much lore we have. Maybe they are way more mythical than we thought. Maybe they die like Obi Wan in the first “Star Wars” movie (which is actually episode IV, first being an indicator of chronoligical release, not chronoligical sequence, of course.) You remember Obi Wan, right? You know, Obi Wan Kobe Bryant. He lead the planet Lakers to victory over the Death Star of the evil Galactic Empire in the NBA All-Star Wars. In the middle of a battle with Darth Vader, he notices Luke Skywalker across the way and lifts his weapon in a suicide surrender, but when Darth goes to cut him in two, all that is left is a small pile of laundry. Mom said that happened in her house all the time. She thought she had us cornered, but we never did laundry until we moved out of the house.

As Natalie Portman’s character said in “Beautiful Girls,” “…Leave no literary stone unturned…” Maybe the Bigfoot die like the turtle in “Kung Fu Panda.” He just turns into a bunch of flower petals that float away in the breeze. Maybe the Bigfoot turn into dandelion seeds. Those damn things are everywhere! Not that it is much of a leap from “Star Wars” to “Beautiful Girls.” Natalie was in that, and some of the later “Star Wars” movies (which were actually the early episodes 1 through 3, which were realeased later than 4 through 6, of course.) I’m going to go out on a limb and say “Beautiful Girls” was actually the best Natalie Portman movie. Sure, there’s also “V for Vendetta” and “Garden State,” but “Beautiful Girls” made Uma Thurman seem like the girl next door, “Sweet Caroline” seem cool, and ice fishing seem lame. Well, that is just cinemagic!